Those Extra Banters
by Waenhir
Summary: The extra banters of some of my favourite team members with my HC Quizzi. HC has Cass with Varric, Bull with Dorian, Josie with Blackwall and Quizzi always with Cullen. I write when things come to my head so it is not chronological.
1. Chapter 1

Summary:

The extra banters of some of my favourite team members with my HC Quizzi. HC has Cass with Varric, Bull with Dorian, Josie with Blackwall and Quizzi always with Cullen.

I write when things come to my head so it is not chronological.

* * *

Notes:

(Also Dagna is a wonder dwarf. She can turn toilet paper into gold given enough time. The memory crystals are in the process of being transformed into communicating devices. The Inquisitor and the Commander have the honour of testing the first pair. Of course Dagna did not tell the spymaster. She was hoping if the crystals works, the two will have some private time together when they are apart. Naturally, nothing can gets pass the spymaster but the crystals have been secretly approved.)

* * *

Varric: Is there a reason why you're standing in front of the door praying?

Inquisitor: I wasn't praying.

Varric: Could've fooled me.

(Inquisitor still stands in front of the door)

Varric: Well?

Inquisitor: I want to go kiss Cullen goodnight.

Varric: And?

Inquisitor: I'll have to go through Solas to do that...

Varric: So?

Inquisitor: He looks at me funny when I go pass him to get to Cullen.

Varric: Maybe Chuckles greatly disapproves of the shenanigans you and the Commander get into in that tower. I heard that that elf has powerful ears.

Inquisitor (groans): Now I really don't want to go through him to get to Cullen.

Varric: You do know there is another way up to Cullen's tower without running half way across the fort, right?

Inquisitor (eyes light up): There is?

Varric: Sometimes, I really wonder how you will save the world when you can't find your way around you own home.

Inquisitor: Hey!


	2. Chapter 2

Cullen: Liliana knows.

Inquisitor: Liliana knows a lots of things. What are you referring to

Cullen: Us.

Inquisitor: And?

Cullen: She looked at me funny this morning.

Inquisitor: So?

Cullen: She said she could see your finger marks on my hair

Inquisitor: And? Let me guess. You immediately touched your hair and mumbled something about it being no different?

Cullen: How did you know?

Inquisitor: Oh yeah. Liliana knows now.


	3. Chapter 3

Inquisitor: Varric told me to warn you to be careful.  
Cullen: What do you mean?  
Inquisitor: You are too smug lately.  
Cullen: I am not.  
Inquisitor: He said Liliana is going to shiv you.  
Cullen: She is not.  
Inquisitor: Want to bet?  
Cullen: No.


	4. Chapter 4

Cullen: Why would you recruit a bear?!  
Inquisitor: It likes you.  
Cullen: It thinks I am a cub!  
Inquisitor: Like I said. It likes you.


	5. Chapter 5

Inquisitor: Come to my quarters. Now.  
Cullen: I cant. Too many people outside.  
Inquisitor: I don't care. Now.  
Cullen: Is that an order, Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor: Cold bath alone or hot bath with me in it. Your choice.  
Cullen: Be there in two.


	6. Chapter 6

Cullen: Liliana knows  
Inquisitor: What?  
Cullen: Us.  
Inquisitor: Haven't we gone through this already?  
Cullen: She was smirking at me the whole meeting.  
Inquisitor: Didn't notice.  
Cullen: She was. Wonder how she knew.  
Inquisitor: I told you to fix that roof.  
Cullen: You don't think she...  
Inquisitor: What? Perched on the roof and watched us? Did you just turned red in the face? I always like that look.  
Cullen: No. Looking at my roof. You need to watch the roof closer next time.  
Inquisitor: Cullen, I am not going to watch the roof for Liliana every time we have sex in your bed!  
Cullen: Then we switch positions.  
Inquisitor: Just fix the bleeding roof!


	7. Chapter 8

Inquisitor (shouting at the wardens): Didn't they teach you? NEVER trust a Tevinter! Except my Tevinter... and Bull's Tevinter...Wait, actually both are Bull's Tevinters...  
Varric: Shit... You have been spending too much time with Hawke.  
Hawke (from behind Varric): Andraste's tits. What did I do now?


	8. Chapter 9

Inquisitor: Cassandra is going to whip my ass and tie me up on a pole.  
Cullen: Why?  
Inquisitor: She told me to buy a book for her.  
Cullen: Did you not find it?  
Inquisitor: Found it.  
Cullen: Did you lose it, love?  
Inquisitor: No. Dorian read it  
Cullen: Dorian will read anything with words on them.  
Inquisitor: Bull read it.  
Cullen: Pretty sure the Seeker can toss him around by his horns if he makes fun of the book.  
Inquisitor: Varric read it.  
Cullen: Sigh... Marker... I promise I will get you down and apply balm on your behind when she is done.  
Inquisitor: Some boyfriend you are.


	9. Chapter 10

Inquisitor: So...you still awake?  
Cullen: Hmm...I am now...  
Inquisitor: I miss your nose.  
Cullen: I miss you too, love. More than you'll ever miss me. Wait, did you say you missed my nose?  
Inquisitor: Yes.  
Cullen: (Soft chuckles) I miss your nose too.  
Sara (from somewhere behind): Oh, will you two stop with the talking crystals and fucking sleep. I swear I'll stuff those up both your arses! Then I'm going to stuff one up Dagna's! Pish-anty cough-ass!  
Dorian (also from somewhere behind and sleepily): It's vishante kaffas, Sara. Vishante kaffas... (Yawns)


	10. Chapter 11

Cullen: Did you take my book.  
Inquisitor: Yes.  
Cullen: I was reading that.  
Inquisitor: Not any more.  
Cullen: Maker's breath...  
Inquisitor: Go borrow one like everyone else.  
Cullen: I didn't want Varric to know I was reading it...  
Inquisitor: So instead you went stealing one every few nights with Dorian?  
Cullen: I...  
Inquisitor: I really don't want to hear the book keeper telling me he is missing copies of High in Hightown all the time. It took me forever to find all the copies you've hidden. Then you two went and hide them again!  
And don't try getting back at the poor man by putting unspeakable tomes in the wrong shelves.  
Cullen: Maker's breath. How did you... it was Dorian, mostly...  
Inquisitor: And you helped. I know you two devolved back to being ten-year-olds after a couple of ales and some peanuts when I am not around. I know your naughty secrets, Commander.  
Cullen: I only did that once... And I was reading that one...


	11. Chapter 12

Dorian: So, you are going to do that domestic thing later when we get back to Skyhold?  
Inquisitor: What domestic thing?  
Dorian: The thing you do with the frying pan.  
Inquisitor: Cooking? Yes. I am cooking dinner later.  
Dorian: You know we have cooks or did the hand of yours got to your head too?  
Inquisitor: Cullen sometimes forgets to eat and since today is not a long day I just want to make sure he does.  
Dorian: So domesticated  
Inquisitor: I am not domesticated.  
Dorian: Really? Should I offer you a seat with us later and see if I can drink Varric under the table?  
Inquisitor: I've already said I was making him his favourite tonight. Not backing out now.  
Dorian: I rest my case. Should I instead send over a box of newly plucked up potatoes later so you can squall in delight?  
Inquisitor: Shut up Dorian. I have a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it.  
Dorian: And apparently a frying pan too.


	12. Chapter 13

The Iron Bull: You smell of her. But you don't smell of sex.  
Cullen: It's none of your business, Bull.  
TIB: So you sleep with the boss every night now but not have sex with her every night? She having her bleeding days?  
Cullen: No. It's not every time a couple sleeps together that they have sex, Bull. Some nights it's just nice to have her fall asleep in my arms.  
TIB (walks away then turns back): You sure she just wants to SLEEP with you?  
Cullen: Sigh...  
TIB (walks away again): Now this is really new to me.  
Cullen (sighs loudly again before turning back to see some of his men watching him): What are you all doing standing around? GET BACK TO WORK! NOW!


	13. Chapter 14

Cullen: Josephine, you need to stop buying those Orlesian snacks.  
Josephine: What Orlesian snacks?  
Cullen: Those crispy stick things made from soy. The Inquisitor won't stop eating them. They are spoiling her dinner.  
Josephine: It was Dorian who bought them. And surly you know I can hardly stop the Inquisitor from ordering them herself.  
Cullen: Lose the next shipment discretely.  
Josephine: And you will tell Dorian, or rather, her when they do not arrive?  
Cullen: No...  
Josephine: Cullen, you are the Commander. Just use that on her. Give her a command and ration her. Trust me. She will 'eat' it up.  
Cullen: I can't...ration her. It's not fair.  
Josephine (snickers): I take it she doesn't ration your..."appetite" either.


	14. Chapter 15

Inquisitor: So, Harding has this great idea for our siege.  
Cullen: Really?  
Inquisitor: Let's use bogfishes poo!  
Cullen: That's just absurd.  
Inquisitor: I thought it's a great idea. Stink them all to death!  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: Oh, come on, Commander Uptight.  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: Whatever. How about Avvar warriors with dwarf archers? Harding thought that up too. Dawrves on Avvars' shoulders.  
Cullen: Marker... You're lucky I love you so much.  
Inquisitor: Is that a yes?  
Cullen: Can we talk about it when you get back.  
Inquisitor: That won't be another week. I would have forgotten by then!  
Cullen: I know.


	15. Chapter 16

Inquisitor: So, I bought a nug.  
Cullen: Maker's breath. Why would ... Why would you buy a nug?  
Inquisitor: It was in a cage in a meat shop. It looked so sad. I couldn't leave it there.  
Cullen: What am I going to do with you, love?  
Inquisitor: I think it likes Dorian. It won't let him sleep. Keeps snuggling up to him and nibbling on his moustache. Dorian is furious now. I think when we get back, this nug needs some lessons in Orlesian etiquette.  
Cullen: Please stop bringing home stray animals, love. (Sighs)... Alright, I'll inform Liliana tomorrow. She should have space for one more nug.  
Inquisitor: I love you.


	16. Chapter 17

Inquisitor: Take me out.  
Cullen (chuckles): You're out.  
Inquisitor: No, I mean take me out like you did the last time.  
Cullen: Like when I took you to the lake?  
Inquisitor: Hmm. I liked that.  
Cullen: Ok. Where would you like to go?  
Inquisitor: Surprise me.  
Cullen: I'll think of something.

.

.  
Inquisitor: I was thinking.  
Cullen: Yes, love.  
Inquisitor: Maybe we could sneak out to a brothel or something.  
Cullen: A what?  
Inquisitor: A brothel. We could dress up. Pretend we are Orlesians or something.  
Cullen: Love, you have not the slightest idea what a brothel is, have you?  
Inquisitor: And you do?  
Cullen: I...


	17. Chapter 18

Inquisitor: Dorian?  
Dorian: Hmm?  
Inquisitor: Do you think this pair of pants gives me camel toe?  
Dorian: Ask someone who cares.  
Inquisitor: I'm serious.  
Dorian: So am I. I'm not looking there for any toes, camel or not.  
Inquisitor: It's not like there are any females here today to help me. You're the closest thing I've.  
Dorian: I'd rather kiss Solas' bony behind than check you for camel toes.  
Inquisitor: Oh come on! It's not like I'm asking...  
Cullen (walks by): Everything alright here? Inquisitor. Dorian.  
Dorian: Commander! Just the right person for the job. Could you please attend to the Inquisitor's camel toe. I have a date with a rather interesting book which I shall find in the library now (turns away to the door).  
Cullen: I didn't get the report that we have new mounts?  
Dorian (walks away): Ah yes. Mounts indeed. This job will certainly be needing a lot of mounting, Commander. Make certain you give the Inquisitor lots of opportunities to mount.  
Cullen (looks at the now flushed Inquisitor): So, is there something you need for your camel's toes, Inquisitor? I could...  
Inquisitor (points at the door, red to the ears): I...I... should go... (runs off after Dorian).  
Cullen (to himself): What could be so wrong with her camel's toes...


	18. Chapter 19

Dorian: You're drooling.  
Inquisitor: Am not!  
Dorian: You need to stop looking at the Commander like he's a piece of honey roasted meat.  
Inquisitor (dreamily): Dorian, I think he's gorgeous...  
Dorian: No. I'm gorgeous. He's pretty. I'd agree he's quite dreamy at times though.  
Inquisitor (deep breaths, sighs)  
Dorian: If it makes you feel better, he definitely wants to bed you. Many, many, many times by the looks of it. You won't get much sleep with him in your chambers.  
Inquisitor: And you know all that, how?  
Dorian: One rub of the neck, looking down, he's nervous around you. Two rubs, he's not thinking straight. Two rubs with a slight smile, eyes downward to the right, he's imagining you being naked and him on top and pumping you. Trust me. He likes being on top.  
Inquisitor: How could you know that.  
Dorian: He looks like someone who likes to do the humping.  
Inquisitor: I mean what his actions means, you freak.  
Dorian: Says the woman whose hand is glowing green. Tsk. Tells, my oh-so-innocent girl. Everyone has them. The Commander just has tons more. He'll be terrible at wicked grace. We should make him play someday. We can get to see him without clothes and you can see if you want him after.  
Inquisitor: Oh, I'm pretty sure I do. And I'm not innocent.  
Dorian: Keep telling yourself that and you might just believe it. Well then, I'll see about speaking to the dwarf. Now close up those jaws. It's so unbecoming.


	19. Chapter 20

Inquisitor: So, what you reading, Cassandra?  
Cassandra: Argh! Could you stop startling me when I'm reading?  
Inquisitor: Smut again?  
Cassandra: No...  
Inquisitor: Yes...  
Cassandra: No!  
Inquisitor: Ah Ha! Yes!  
Cassandra: Fine. Yes. Now keep quiet.  
Inquisitor: Is it good?  
Cassandra: Very.  
Inquisitor: Can I borrow it after you're done.  
Cassandra: Why would you want to read it?  
Inquisitor: I just want to know...  
Cassandra (smirking): Ah ha...Well, the hero in this is blonde. And he has been an officer.  
Inquisitor: Is he...  
Cassandra: Good looking? Having a commanding presence? A gentleman? Good in bed?  
Inquisitor: I was going to ask - chest hair? Good with words? Smooth talker?  
(The two start giggling)  
Dorian (from behind) Women! Pathetic are now both thy names.  
Cassandra: Go away, Dorian.  
Dorian: I would. But your pathetic-ness just draws me in.  
Inquisitor: We were just chatting.  
Dorian: Like two virgin school girls. Seriously, what's stopping you two from pushing those two onto the floor and ravishing them? You (points at the Inquisitor) outranks him and you (points at Cassandra) most likely can carry him like a sack of beans!  
Cassandra: He might be short but he is strong! He can't be weighing like a...  
(The two looks at her with a smirk and a lift of a brow)  
Cassandra: What? I was just...  
Inquisitor: You just admitted you have a thing for our resident author...  
Cassandra (turning a shade darker than beet): I did not... I...I'm going to ignore both of you now.


	20. Chapter 21

Inquisitor (rides up beside Dorian): Cullen said he doesn't mind.  
Dorian: Hmm?  
Inquisitor: You know, about hair.  
Dorian: The Commander is such an accommodating man.  
Inquisitor: He won't lie to me.  
Dorian: I said he is accommodating. I did not say he was lying.  
Inquisitor: So you still think I should go bald?  
Dorian: Ask the Seeker.  
Cassandra: I'll not talk about such things in the presence of Cole.  
Cole: I have hair. I like hair. Smooth and silky, shades of browns and blacks, golds and...  
Dorian: You won't like it where we are referring.  
Cole: Why not?  
Dorian: Because it's the last thing you want getting in your nose when your mouth is busy?  
Cole: Why would my mouth be busy? I do not want to eat hair?  
Dorian: No man does.  
Cassandra: Maker help me...  
Inquisitor: So should I go bald or not?!  
Dorian: I did not say bald. I said trim some areas and shave others.  
Inquisitor: Which is where?  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Dorian: Shave where he likes to lick. Trim where he likes to look.  
Cassandra (louder disgusted noise)  
Cole: I did not know Cullen likes to lick the Inquisitor's head...


	21. Chapter 22

Inquisitor: You know, you should be more honest.  
Cassandra: I am honest. I might be the most honest person you have met.  
Inquisitor: I mean about Varric.  
Cassandra: I am always honest with Varric. I tell him how much he disgusts me daily.  
Varric (from somewhere behind): I heard that! That's the first time I heard you say it since our first night together.  
Cassandra:*disgusted noise*  
Inquisitor: I told you.  
Cassandra: Be quiet. Both of you.


	22. Chapter 23

Inquisitor: It's a bad idea to listen to you.  
Dorian: What do you mean. I have always have marvellous ideas. All the time.  
Inquisitor: Not when it comes to my love life.  
Dorian: Oh, that you did all on your own.  
Inquisitor: Dorian!


	23. Chapter 24

Inquisitor (smiling and shyly): He kissed my hand Dorian.  
Dorian: Hmm...  
Inquisitor: You're not listening, are you?  
Dorian: Hmm-mm...Not listening.  
Inquisitor: Why are you looking at Bull that way?  
Dorian: Have you ever noticed? His shoulders are really broad.  
Inquisitor: They all have broad shoulders. And very tough skins. So hard and tough. Takes more work to try hurting those guys.  
Dorian (thoughtfully): Sounds promising.  
Inquisitor: Ooh... I get it.  
Dorian: You usually don't. Now what could have changed that?  
Inquisitor: You like Bull!  
Dorian: Don't be absurd. I don't like him. I just want to sleep with him  
Inquisitor: Keep telling yourself that.  
Dorian: Stop stealing my lines.


	24. Chapter 25

Inquisitor (eyes wide and whispers): Are you seeing what I am seeing?  
Dorian: Varric is going to have a fit.  
Inquisitor (still whispers): It says it's a rare crafting material. We should...Dorian! Corrupting runes!  
Dorian: Don't pick it up. Varric will strongly disapproves.  
Inquisitor: But...but...but...  
Cassandra: Varric will strongly disapproves. Then he will have a fit.  
Dorian: And then, he'll poke you new holes using Blanca. So no picking up the red lyrium.  
Inquisitor: But...but...corrupting runes, guys! And it's "Bianca".  
Cassandra: We have warned you.  
Inquisitor: But Dagna will do wonders with it!  
Cassandra: Do not say we did not tell you.  
Dorian (who has disappeared around the corner, comes running back): Quick! He's coming our way. Keep it in your pocket if you really want it.  
Inquisitor: You hide it! I've no pockets!  
Dorian: I can't! I have no pockets too!  
Inquisitor: Why would you wear anything without pockets outdoors!  
Dorian: It doesn't go with the style! You don't have pockets too!  
Inquisitor: Hide it, Cass! Your pockets!  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)


	25. Chapter 26

Dorian (slaps hard on the Inquisitor's bottom with a stick he has randomly picked up)  
Inquisitor: Ouch! Why would you go do that for?  
Dorian: I'm supposed to teach you how to present yourself at the Winter Ball. Now STOP walking like you have a wheelbarrow stuck between your legs. (Slaps the Inquisitor on her shoulder) And what is this? Were you brought up by mountain monkeys?  
Inquisitor: Ouch! OUCH! Stop it! That's how I walk!  
Dorian (continues slapping her bottom and shoulders while the Inquisitor tries to skip out of the way): You can't even attend a formal cave beetle wedding, let alone the Winter Ball! Disgraceful. (Slaps) Wiggle it right!  
Inquisitor: Stop it! It hurts! And beetles don't wed! Ouch!  
Dorian: Think about it. You would be walking up and down in front of the Commander that night. The entire night. That kind of walk will not gain you any "sexy" points.  
Inquisitor: I can be sexy. (Sees the way Dorian looks at her) Fine. Teach me.  
Dorian: Now stop sloughing like an ape.  
Inquisitor: Oh, make up your mind. Monkey or ape!


	26. Chapter 27

Varric: Oh for the love of the... It's the other way!  
Inquisitor: Sorry... I turned too fast and lost my barring. (Turns and proceeds to run into Dorian)  
Inquisitor: Ops...  
Dorian: If there's a contest for moving obliquely in an uncontrolled manner, you'll win the gold medal.  
Varric: Will you stop skidding into everyone!  
Inquisitor: I can't! It won't let me! I swear, if I let you lead it will happen to you too! The lead's cursed!

.

.  
Few minutes after Varric takes control.  
Varric: Ahhhh... Shit!  
Inquisitor: I told you! It's cursed!


	27. Chapter 28

Dorian (takes hold of the Inquisitor's arm): Come now. I've time today.  
Inquisitor: What? For what?  
Dorian: To teach you to play chess.  
Inquisitor (tries to wiggle free of Dorian's grip): But I don't want to learn to play chess. It's an old man's game. (Whispers to Dorian) I'm meeting Sara to put nug feed into Sola's tea!  
Dorian: You two are disgusting!  
Inquisitor: He doesn't know. He can't tell! He thinks tea tastes awful. It's hilarious!  
Dorian: You're learning to play chess. No nugging Solas today.  
Inquisitor: I don't want to learn chess. It's boring. Go teach the Commander or Cassandra. They will like it.  
Dorian: Now this is new. Calling one's crush boring.  
Inquisitor: That wasn't what I meant. Cullen's not boring. He's ...loyal and sensible and ...  
Dorian: dull?  
Inquisitor (gives Dorian the half-closed eyes look): I was going to say super hot. Super.  
Dorian: Chess. Now.  
Inquisitor: I hate board games.  
Dorian: Are you learning or not?  
Inquisitor: I'll stress myself out by wanting to be the best player if I do. I just want to relax and have fun while in Skyhold!  
Dorian (lets her go): Fine. Guess Cullen'll be spending those precious free time of his playing chess with me instead of you then. (Saunters off)  
Inquisitor: Now hold on just a minute. Come back now! Dorian!


	28. Chapter 29

Dorian (takes hold of the Inquisitor's arm): Come now. I've time today.  
Inquisitor: What? For what?  
Dorian: To teach you to play chess.  
Inquisitor (tries to wiggle free of Dorian's grip): But I don't want to learn to play chess. It's an old man's game. (Whispers to Dorian) I'm meeting Sara to put nug feed into Sola's tea!  
Dorian: You two are disgusting!  
Inquisitor: He doesn't know. He can't tell! He thinks tea tastes awful. It's hilarious!  
Dorian: You're learning to play chess. No nugging Solas today.  
Inquisitor: I don't want to learn chess. It's boring. Go teach the Commander or Cassandra. They will like it.  
Dorian: Now this is new. Calling one's crush boring.  
Inquisitor: That wasn't what I meant. Cullen's not boring. He's ...loyal and sensible and ...  
Dorian: dull?  
Inquisitor (gives Dorian the half-closed eyes look): I was going to say super hot. Super.  
Dorian: Chess. Now.  
Inquisitor: I hate board games.  
Dorian: Are you learning or not?  
Inquisitor: I'll stress myself out by wanting to be the best player if I do. I just want to relax and have fun while in Skyhold!  
Dorian (lets her go): Fine. Guess Cullen'll be spending those precious free time of his playing chess with me instead of you then. (Saunters off)  
Inquisitor: Now hold on just a minute. Come back now! Dorian!


	29. Chapter 30

Inquisitor: Where have you done it?  
Dorian: What?  
Inquisitor: Like where have you and Bull done it?  
Dorian: For a moment I thought you were asking me the places I've had sex with Bull.  
Inquisitor: I am.  
Dorian: Short of romantic places? Or the Commander not creative enough?  
Inquisitor: No. He is plenty creative. I just wonder if there is anywhere I can surprise him.  
Dorian: Anywhere is a good place for sex.  
Inquisitor: Not all. Solas' place is way too open.  
Dorian: Kitchen is not good, come to think of it. It's actually quite flirty in there.  
Inquisitor: Nah. He won't like that either.  
Dorian: And Vivienne's bed. Bad idea. Way too soft. We had such a hard time is pretty fine. Mounts don't care. If you watch for it, the barracks are empty certain time of the day.  
Inquisitor: You slut. How many places in Skyhold did you not have sex in?  
Dorian: You asked. And there are places. Varric's quarters for one. Only because Cassandra's always in it.  
Cassandra: I was not! Well...not always...


	30. Chapter 31

Cassandra (places a small grey pill bottle in the Inquisitor's palm): Here. This should last a while. Just take one after and chase it with water or wine.  
Inquisitor (opens the bottle and takes a whiff, makes a face): What is this?  
Cassandra: It's something you'll need. Judging from the way the Commander looks at you, if not now, soon.  
Josephine (giggles)  
Dorian: I say she'll be needing a lot more than that. He is the Lion of Ferelden after all. I'd expect more from the Commander.  
Josephine (still giggling): I sure hope so. He looks like he's all ravenous these days.  
Cassandra: The herbalist makes bottles of them daily. Just go to her when you need them.  
Dorian: It IS a very popular drug in Skyhold.  
Inquisitor: Cullen doesn't need drugs. If he is not eating, I'll get Jim to deliver his meals to his tower when I'm not around.  
Cassandra: Sometimes your innocence surprises me.  
Dorian: It's WHAT you NEED if you do not want little inquisitors and little commanders running around looking for little corypheuses to kill. It's what Cassandra uses to prevent little seekers and little rouge dwarfs with tiny little named crossbows running around Skyhold.  
Cassandra: I do not...  
Josephine (giggles): How cute would that be to see those! The tensions around these people are simply unbearable.  
Dorian: You say it right.  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Inquisitor: Oh... But I don't sense any tensions. Cassandra, you and Varric? I thought you two hate each other.  
Cassandra (more disgusted noises)  
Dorian: That's because you're an epic fail in the art of seduction. You won't see it coming even if it's as big as Bull flying into your face.  
Inquisitor: I'm not an epic fail in...  
Josephine: That's why you and the Commander are so adorable together. Both are terrible at it.  
Inquisitor: We're not!  
Dorian: So how many times have you two done the grind?  
Josephine: Arched the spines?  
Dorian: Met the Marker?  
Josephine: Slammed the post?  
Dorian: Chanted the Chant?  
Josephine: Cleaned the pipes?  
Dorian: Curled the toes?  
Inquisitor: Am I supposed to know what those mean?  
Cassandra (sighs): I supposed I should let you read some of my books...  
Inquisitor: Finally?  
Josephine: I supposed that means you're worse at it than you thought.  
Inquisitor (disgusted noise)


	31. Chapter 32

Inquisitor: Why can't we just bury Corypheus?  
Varric: Remember? The gray wardens tried that, your Inquisitorialness.  
Inquisitor: No, they locked him up. I mean we bury him under layers and layers and layers of soil. Like not in a coffin even.  
Varric: Don't think that will work.  
Inquisitor: Wonder what's his weakness.  
Varric: Not soil for sure.  
Dorian: Not sex either. His face just doesn't look too sexually inclined.  
Inquisitor: Do you think Corypheus ever had sex?  
Varric: Who knows? Can you imagine Corypheus going about getting aroused?  
Inquisitor: Maybe he doesn't need to be. Maybe he uses magic to get it up.  
Varric: Maybe red lyrium gets him up. Ingest some. Rub some on himself. Do a little dance...  
Inquisitor: Add a little scanty small clothes...  
Dorian: It makes my brain shudders just thinking about it.  
Inquisitor: You started it!  
Dorian: No one asked you two to continue it.


	32. Chapter 33

Inquisitor: Harding, why are you always outside the Herald's Rest? Don't they give the head scout her own room or something?  
Harding: Ssshh. I'm pretending to look like I'm not spying while I'm spying.  
Inquisitor: Huh?  
Harding: I'm acting like I'm spying while pretending to be not spying but I'm really spying pretending to act like I'm spying while pretending I'm not spying.  
Inquisitor: Wait, so are you spying or not?  
Harding: Of course I am. I'm always spying when I'm not scouting.  
Inquisitor: So why can't you just say that?  
Harding: What fun would that be?  
Inquisitor (sighs): So who are you spying on?  
Harding: That one over there. Don't look!  
Inquisitor: Why are you spying on a chantry sister?  
Harding: I suspect she is not who she seems to be.  
Inquisitor: Why's that?  
Harding: Her hat is harder looking than the other chantry sisters. I bet it's make of something other than cloth.  
Inquisitor: So...?  
Harding: You have any idea how many daggers and knives they can hide inside one of those things if those things are hard enough to stay up like that? There could be a whole arsenal inside there.  
Inquisitor: All right... I see your point. But I also see why you think Liliana wants to have you killed.


	33. Chapter 34

Inquisitor: Dorian?  
Dorian: Hmm?  
Inquisitor (reaches out her hand): Do you condition your moustache? It looks so..  
Dorian (slaps her hand hard): Oh no. Don't you dare!  
Inquisitor: Ouch! I was only going to touch it!  
Dorian: Oh no. I saw what you did to Varric's chest hair the other day. I'm not buying into that whole innocent act so there's no need to exert yourself.  
Varric (from behind): And it still hurts!  
Inquisitor: Oh stop whining. It was only a few hair!  
Varric: Those were some of my finest looking hair!  
Inquisitor: You asked for it. If they were so important you should have hidden it.  
Varric: The whole reason for having chest hair, especially such impressive ones, is to show it off.  
Dorian: I couldn't agree more.  
Inquisitor: Vain pots.


	34. Chapter 35

Inquisitor: So...  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: What? I have not even...  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: How...?  
Cullen: Every time you start a line with "So", you are up to something.  
Inquisitor: I do not...I am not...  
Cullen: I know you.  
Inquisitor: Oh? So how did you managed to know me so well huh, Commander?  
Cullen: I watch you. A lot.  
Inquisitor (seductively): Is that so?  
Cullen (softly): More than you'll ever notice.  
Inquisitor: So...  
Cullen: Oh Maker, yes.  
Inquisitor: I can get use to this.


	35. Chapter 36

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Inquisitor: I think Varric likes /Cassandra: He hates me as much as I hate /Inquisitor: I don't think /Cassandra: Oh?br /Inquisitor: He wrote you a dirty /Cassandra: That was not a dirty book!br /Inquisitor: It's a dirty book, face /Cassandra: I...I read it for the story of the great /Inquisitor: And she has some naughty times in /Cassandra: Maker takes you. You can be so...br /Inquisitor (pretending she does not hear Cassandra): So, if I were a writer, I bet I have to have some seriously strong imagination to write those dirty scenes. br /Cassandra: Your point?br /Inquisitor: How could you write that for someone if you do not want to do it to them? There are so much sensuality in those pages. Reading them makes me want to do things to you. And I prefer someone with that extra body part you don't have./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"(Silence)/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Inquisitor: Remember the part the man traces his hands over the heroine's scars? I swear I can picture him doing the exact same thing to /Cassandra: Maker...I never...You don't supposed...br /Inquisitor: Oh.. I'm pretty sure I /Varric (walks up to the two): What are you two fine ladies talking about?br /Cassandra: Varric? Ah! Varric!br /Varric: The last I checked, I believe that's the name my mother has given /Cassandra: I...I...I need to go talk to Bull regarding an axe. (Immediately turns back to join TIB who is happily skipping along on his own behind the team, picking at his teeth.)br /Varric (watches the nervous seeker): What's wrong with her?br /Inquisitor: No idea./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"(Silence)/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Inquisitor: I think Cassandra likes /Varric (laughs): You must have eaten a joke bug. She hates my guts. She demonstrated it many times, even stabbing me /Inquisitor: She stabbed the /Varric: I was behind the /Inquisitor: I still thinks she likes you a /Varric: Oh? Do /Inquisitor: She asked you to write her a dirty book./p 


	36. Chapter 37

Inquisitor: Do all men have a preference to which side of the bed they sleep on?  
Dorian: What?  
Inquisitor: You know, like which side...  
Dorian: First of all, I'm not "all" men. I am "the" man. And second of all, I simply do not understand you sometimes.  
Varric: I am sure most people, man, woman, dwarfs, elves, even dogs and cats will have some sort of preference.  
Inquisitor: So I guess Cullen does too...  
Varric: I take it you don't then.  
Inquisitor: Well...not really. I really have no idea. I always sleep on one side of the bed and wake on the other. I think I might have rolled over Cullen to get there.  
Sometimes I woke with my head on the foot of the bed. I once woke staring at my slippers under the bed. My foot was on Cullen's chest with my toe up his nose. I have no idea how he could continue to sleep so soundly.  
Varric: She is one of those.  
Dorian: She is.  
Inquisitor: One of what?  
(No one answers)  
Inquisitor: One of what?  
(No one answers)  
Inquisitor (to TIB): One of what?  
TIB: How would I know? The two can be cryptic as fuck. Plus, I think they're just trolling you.  
Varric: We aren't. Although I really can't imagine.  
Dorian: Neither can I.  
Varric: To be one of those, sigh.  
Dorian: Just dreadful.  
Inquisitor: One of what?  
TIB: See, Trolls. Wait. Is that why I sometimes find you sleeping outside the tent? You ARE one of those.  
Inquisitor: Damn you all to the fade. I'll go ask Josephine.  
Varric (laughs): Good luck with that.  
Inquisitor: I hate you all.

.

(Back at Skyhold)  
Inquisitor: Josephine, do all men have a preference to which side of the bed they sleep on?  
Josephine: Now that is a curious question.  
Inquisitor: Wait. Actually Varric has answered that. I should ask instead what can one do to stop one from moving all over the bed after one is asleep. You know, so one won't be one of "those".  
Josephine: One of what?  
Inquisitor: That was what I have been asking!  
Josephine (smiling): I think I understand.  
Inquisitor: You do?  
Josephine: Definitely. Now to answer your question, we should first go back to the known knowns and the known unknowns. The implications that...  
(An hour later.)  
Josephine: So Inquisitor, as you can surly see...  
(soft snores can be heard on the floor in front of the desk.)  
Josephine: Oh, what do we have here? (Sighs) I should've just told you that it's because you do not have restful sleeps and that the herbalist has a good tea for it. I'll get someone to go get the Commander.


	37. Chapter 38

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Requisition Officer 1: /Inquisitor: What is it?br /R.O.1: Nothing to report, /Inquisitor: Then why did you call me over like there was something to report?!br /R.O. 1 (Scratches head.) br /R.O. 2: /Inquisitor: What is it?br /R.O. 2: Nothing to report, /Inquisitor: Again?br /R.O. 2: Pardon, ser?br /Inquisitor: Never /R.O. 3: /Inquisitor: WHAT?!br /R.O. 3: Nothing to report, /Inquisitor: I swear, the next requisition officer who calls me over and have nothing to report, I am going to make her wash Bull's small clothes for a month!br /R.O. 4: Inquisitorbr /Inquisitor: WHAT!?br /R.O. 4: Nothing to re...br /Inquisitor: THAT'S IT! You're washing Bull's small clothes for a month!br /R.O. 4 (Scratches head and looks at TIB with questioning eyes.)br /TIB: Nah, don't sweat it. I don't wear any./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 13.23px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;".../p 


	38. Chapter 39

Varric: That thing looks too vertical. You can't...  
Inquisitor: If I could just...(jumps) just...(jumps)...  
Sara: Ten silver says she falls, yeah?  
Varric: Double it.  
Sara: You're on.  
Inquisitor: I...(jumps) am not...(jumps)a betting..  
(jumps)...tool...  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Inquisitor: Almost...(jumps)there...  
Cassandra (bending down): You realize there is a path up on your left, don't you?  
Inquisitor: Fuc...Why didn't you say so?! Argh...I am already up here!  
Cassandra: If you had stopped jumping for a bit and just looked, you would have discovered it!  
Inquisitor (disgusted noise)  
Varric: Pay up, Buttercup.  
Sara (disgusted noise)


	39. Chapter 40

Inquisitor: Pretty sure it's dead by now.  
Cassandra (absently poking the ground with her dagger): Pardon me?  
Inquisitor (points to the ground): I said I'm pretty sure it's dead by now.  
Cassandra: Pfft.  
Inquisitor: Why are you so upset?  
Cassandra (digs deeper with her dagger): The nerves that woman has.  
Inquisitor: Who? Bianca?  
Cassandra: Who else?  
Inquisitor: Varric isn't too happy, but he'll be all right.  
Cassandra: She should have trusted him on his word.  
Inquisitor: Says the pot.  
Cassandra: Pardon me?  
Inquisitor: You didn't trust him either.  
Cassandra: That was because it was about Hawke. That stupid dwarf will do anything for his friends, even dying for them. But he will never lie about things that will cause dangers to anyone.  
Inquistor: Wow. If I don't know you better...  
Cassandra: I...I am just angry she was the leak.  
Inquisitor: I heard she broke Varric's heart.  
Cassandra: Pfft.  
Inquisitor: Went and married another man.  
Cassandra: Pfft (louder).  
Inquisitor: I think Varric is still licking that wound.  
Cassandra: He deserves better than that.  
Inquisitor: But she did say she will poke my eyes out if I get him killed.  
Cassandra: Isn't it a bit too late for such sentiments?  
Inquisitor: I know, right? It may be more likely she gets him killed, right?  
Cassandra (digs deeper into the ground): I will gut her and slice her to pieces if she ever dares even try.  
Inquisitor: Ah...hah...  
Cassandra: I mean...I...  
Inquisitor: What do you mean exactly?  
Cassandra: I was just... I am just angry for a comrade in arms.  
Inquisitor: I see...  
Cassandra: Yes.  
Inquisitor: Actually, I can totally understand why she would want to keep him around while she is still married. I mean, he is quite a handsome dwarf. He's like the male version of Harding. He has those dreamy eyes like her.  
Cassandra (far away look): He does...(realises it) I mean... he does?  
Inquisitor: Some day, Seeker, some day, you will have to admit you are having a crush on that dwarf.  
Cassandra: He wishes!  
...


	40. Chapter 41

Dorian: Stalking the Commander much?  
Inquisitor: Just watching them spar. Stalking Bull much?  
Dorian: He stalks me.  
Inquisitor: Keep talking tough, moustache. I know you love that man.  
Dorian (mouth pulls back slightly)  
Inquisitor: Your douchey sneer says it all.  
Dorian: Not about me. Why are you here gawking?  
Inquisitor: I'm not. I'm just wondering what size shirt Cullen wears and what colour suits him. Thinking of getting him a few next time we pass Val Royeaux. He has previously few clothing.  
Dorian: That man will look good in yellow plaits and Sara's bee suit. However, you should worry more that you may be wasting coins. Like the man will wear anything else but that armour.  
Inquisitor: I'll make him.  
Dorian: Ah...now that's true love right there.  
Inquisitor (watches the two men spar): So want to bet who will win?  
Dorian: Bull will.  
Inquisitor: Cullen's winning at the moment, my slutty friend.  
Dorian: Bull hasn't even execute his killer move yet, my sex starved kitten.  
Inquisitor: Looks like he can't. Watch how Cullen is able to block and bash. Bull has no chance, conditioned facial hair.  
Dorian: All Bull needs is an open. Roll back and execute that move and Cullen won't be able to block the next one, tiny bottom.  
Inquisitor: My bottom is just right for Cullen's grab, thank you. Seriously, so much confidence on your man, huh? What secret lies behind that move?  
Dorian: The little surprise sneak attack is and always will be Cullen's bane. It's been acronymed "C.A.P.".  
Inquisitor: Woah, I need to know what C.A.P. is.  
Dorian: "Commander's Ass Pinch". Throws him off completely. He'll be too busy blushing and heying to see the next move coming. Still gonna bet on him?  
Inquisitor:... Fine. You win...But (shouts down to Cullen) Watch out, love! Don't let Bull gets a chance to pinch your bottom!  
Dorian: Hey!  
Inquisitor: No one should be using C.A.P on my Commander but your Inquisitor. I shall be having a word with Bull later.  
Dorian: Traitor.  
Inquisitor: Slut.  
Dorian: You lose. No using insult twice.  
Inquisitor: Damn it!


	41. Chapter 7

Cullen: Sera stole the cookies you made me

Inquisitor: Cant be her. She is not in Skyhold.

Cullen: Well, someone stole my cookies.

Inquisitor: Maybe you forgot eating them?

Cullen: No. I am hungry. So no.

Inquisitor: Cole stole your cookies.

Cullen: What?!

Inquisitor: It is here in my quarters with a note.

Cullen: What note?

Inquisitor: It says, "Cookies here."

Cullen: What does that even mean?!

Inquisitor: I think he is trying to tell you to take a break.

Cullen: I can't take a break. There is so much to do!

Inquisitor: Cookies here.

Cullen: Stop teasing me, woman.

Inquisitor: Come get your cookies.

Cullen: You better be naked in bed with those cookies when I get there.

...


	42. Chapter 42

Lianana: Inquisitor. May I have a moment?

Inquisitor: If that was about those missing chocolates...

Lianana: It's regarding the mount... Wait, you stole my chocolate?

Inquisitor: Nooooo... I wouldn't dare...

Lianana (narrows her eyes)

Inquisitor: Okay. Fine. I borrowed them. I was going to return them after my next trip back from Val Royeaux.

Lianana (signs): I am here about the gift mount you have decided to give Harding. She CANNOT have that mount.

Inquisitor: Oh come on, Lianana. We all know Harding worked hard and deserve some incentives.

Lianana: I know Harding works very hard. But she does not deserve that mount. I beg you to reconsider.

Inquisitor: Too late. I already instructed Blackwall to make her a nice saddle. He should be done soon.

Lianana: (sighs) Fine. If you're really going make my best scout split her legs everytime she gets on that war nug, Blackwall better make her the most comfortable staddle he can ever make that suits a dwarf on a war nug or else, Inquisitor, please inform him to not sleep at night. I will shiv him. And then I'll shiv you for stealing ny chocolates. Unless of course, you have a better mount in mind?

Inquisitor: Okay, okay. What about say... Apple Cheeks, the Blue River Bane. She will still look badass on it.

Lianana (lifts an eyebrow)

Inquisitor: Blackwall will make her special staddles. And Apple Cheeks always loves Harding.

Lianana: And it will be of utmost comfort?

Inquisitor: Cross my heart.

Lianana: Then I will forget about the chocolate. But I want a new bag when you are back. As for Blackwall, he better make sure my best lead scout's bottom is safe.

Inquisitor (chuckles)

Lianana: I'm not joking

...


	43. Chapter 43

Inquisitor: Solas.

Solas: Yes, Inquisitor?

Inquisitor: Can I make a suggestion?

Solas: Yes, Inquisitor. Of course

Inquisitor: Next time you need to speak with me in private, let's not teleport all over the place and end up in my quarters, ok? We just walk out of your study over to Cullen's and chase him out of his office for a while and we can talk, ok?

Solas: Inquisitor?

Inquisitor: It takes me a few seconds to run from Cullen's back to the hall but a full 2 minutes to just get out of the bleeding front door of my quarters!


	44. Chapter 44

Blackwall: It's not a good hidding place, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: Ssshhhh! This is the only place Cassandra won't look. Now stop giving me away!  
Blackwall: Still, it's a terrible place to hide.  
Inquisitor: Lianana has engaged Cassandra to fit me for the ball, Blackwall. Do you have any idea what that means?  
Blackwall: That you will most likely be going in metal gear?  
Inquisitor: No! That would have been just fine. She makes everyone wear the men's uniform!  
Blackwall: Yes, I've seen it. It's a smart look.  
Inquisitor: I want a dress!  
Blackwall: You can't fight in a dress.  
Inquisitor: Wanna bet?  
Blackwall: Fine. You can fight in a dress. But still, this is a terrible place to hide.  
Inquisitor: What's your point?  
Blackwall: That surly you know by now Lady Josephine would not just ask Lady Cassandra to look for you.  
Inquisitor: Damn it, Blackwall! Why can't you say no to Josephine for once?  
Blackwall: I... I think you should come with me, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: I should not!  
Blackwall: Lady Josephine is waiting.  
Inquisitor: Let's make a deal. You say you never saw me and I make sure you will one day see just how long Josephine's hair cascades down her bare back.  
Blackwall: Inquisitor! That is... That's highly inappropriate!  
Inquisitor: Oh, I know. But I'm desperate and you are a horny old goat whenever you get to steal a look at Josephine's ass. So, it's that or I tell Josephine the only thing you watch while she is around are those nice swaying hips of hers!  
Blackwall: That's blackmail, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: Not if you get something out of it. It's a deal, not blackmail.  
Blackwall: I...  
Inquisitor: Deal then. Now get lost before they find you finding me.  
Blackwall: Fine. I am walking out of here now.  
(Blackwall walks away then turns)  
Blackwall: But you do know Commander Cullen told me I might find you here?  
Cullen (Walks in at that moment): What are you still doing here, love? The tailor is leaving in an hour. Josphine and Cassandra have been looking all over for you. Come quick for you fitting.  
Inquisitor: Damn you, Blackwall!  
Blackwall (laughs): A deal is a deal.


End file.
